Who are the "difficult people" in your life? You may have noticed that your "difficult person" is not the same as your neighbor's "difficult person." In other words, you may be irritated, annoyed, and frustrated by the actions of certain individuals. Yet these same individuals may not irritate others the same way.
Why? The secret here is conflict management styles. Conflict management styles are the way we approach or deal with tension, disagreement, and differences. You have a certain approach. So does everyone else. They're just not all the same approach. When your style clashes with another persons' style, differences are intensified. Frequently, you will find that certain people seem to be "difficult" because their conflict management styles collide with your own.
We all have a most preferred conflict management style and a least preferred conflict management style. So let's say, for example, your conflict management style is Owl (you're the one who wants to discuss and analyze everything) and your least preferred conflict management style is Ostrich (who wants to ignore the whole thing and get away from any tense or hostile situation as quickly as possible). Chances are that you'll find Ostriches to be the most difficult kind of people to deal with.
If you're an Ostrich (you want to ignore conflict and pretend it doesn't exist) and your least preferred conflict management style is Woodpecker (who insists on their way and will not back down) you will probably find Woodpeckers to be your "difficult" people.
The reason this is true is simple – it is much easier to understand people who operate the same way we do. If someone tends to deal with conflict in a way that is completely unlike what we would do, we find their behavior irritating, annoying, even irrational.
And, when it comes to dealing with these people we don't know what to do. We know how we'd like to be dealt with, how we would prefer to handle the situation. But, because of the differences, these people don't respond in the same way, they don't appreciate our approach, they may not even understand what we're trying to do.
When you find yourself dealing with a difficult person, here are a few things to consider:
- What is it about this person that irritates you? The more you can identify particular behaviors or events that you find annoying, the more you will understand your own triggers or "buttons", and the better equipped you will be to avoid potentially frustrating or difficult situations.
- Focus on the behavior rather than the person. If you're having a hard time identifying particular difficult behaviors because, as far as you're concerned, everything about that other person is difficult, you are escalating the situation to a point where it will become nearly impossible to address in any constructive way. If, however, you identify particular behaviors or events that are irritating, you are more likely to be able to talk to the other person, tell them what is bothering you, and find a solution.
- Be curious. Why is the other person doing what they're doing? Chances are, they aren't being difficult on purpose. So what are they trying to accomplish with their behavior? When it comes to behavior, people tend to follow certain behavioral patterns out of habit and because it works for them. And, so long as it works and no one complains, why would they change? In our experience, 9 times out of 10 the "difficult" person has never been told that others find them difficult, so they've never had reason to change their behavior.
- Consider your own approach. How can you adjust your behavior to change the patterns of your interactions with the other person? Yes, the other person may be the "difficult" one, and you're the reasonable one, but you only have control over your own actions, not theirs, and you're the one that is getting annoyed.
