Every day in the news we hear another story about a rich, famous or powerful couple caught in the act with their proverbial pants down. We are fascinated by the infidelities of others, especially those with success and a seemingly perfect mate.
We feel shocked and maybe even secretly smug and reproachful. If we had that spouse or that career, we would never cheat. But the reality is that almost half of all married couples do.
Studies show that anywhere from 25% to almost 45% of women and up to 55% of men will cheat at some point in their marriage. And even with all the self help books out there, it is still not clear why they do it.
The number one reason infidelity happens is OPPORTUNITY. This would explain how some partners can cheat on their spouses when everything seems fine at home. The more the opportunity presents itself, the more difficult it becomes to resist the temptation. Some specialists believe that couples should limit all outside relationships with the opposite sex to avoid this possibility. This advice doesn't sound very practical; it would seem that if you "fast" from all outside temptation the urge to binge on the first delivery person that comes to the door unexpectedly would be greater than sticking to a steady "diet" of casual acquaintances.
The second reason people cheat is to AVOID CONFLICT. Many couples use an affair as a way to avoid communicating with their partner about their needs at home. Sometimes conversations with a partner end up in endless loops of frustration and conflict. Marriages can end up on parallel tracks, both spouses going along fine in their own groove, but never coming together to talk about what's really on their mind. If someone else comes along, at first it can feel like a relief. Eventually, however, conflict follows you wherever you.
The third reason couples cheat is sexual VARIETY. No one wants to hear that their partner cheated because they were bored. But the reality is that we all need adventure and novelty in a relationship to keep it alive. Long term domesticity, although safe, doesn't breed good sex. It can make us feel taken advantage of, and eventually we stop appreciating what we have. The way to avoid this type of affair is to focus on shaking things up in your love life every week. Not just once a year on vacation, but trying new things in bed and out of bed, for a lifetime.
The fourth reason people cheat is DEVELOPMENTAL. This really has nothing to do with the couple but everything to do with the individual. Sometimes this happens when one partner has to work through their own childhood issues. Childhood abuse, trauma and having parents who cheated can create sexual compulsivity. This person may need therapy to heal from their wounds.
The fifth reason people cheat is really to END their relationship. I call this the "can opener" affair and it happens when people want to get out of a marriage but they don't know how. They may want to be caught so that their spouse will end the marriage for them. This can be the most painful type of cheating, because it indicates the end of both the affair and the marriage.
If you or someone you know has experienced infidelity, they may be depressed, angry, or be having trouble coping with their relationship issues. Contact a therapist that can help.
About the Author: Tammy Nelson, PhD is a psychotherapist and author who conducts trainings, teleclasses, workshops and sessions for couples. Thanks to ThridAge / The Age Of Change
